Hot Off the Pen: Book #4 Rewrite Excerpt Ch. 2

I've started the rewrite of Book #4 to take it from MS3 to MS4 (manuscript 4). MS4, when completed, is the first version that gets submitted to professional editors. Because Book #4 is the conclusion of the serial (not the series), it is a convergence of a number of plot lines and many (but not all) the secrets kept by the characters are revealed. It is  the most intense of the four books and my rewrite not only deepens the characterization but the intensity of the drama. Each book rises in intensity progressively not only to build the drama but to allow more sensitive readers to opt out if things get too intense.

Although most early readers I have talked to have had no problems, bear in mind that this series has some parents who are not nice people and this may be the first time a middle school reader encounters the idea that a parent may raise a kid as a tool to achieve their own ambitions, not for the kid's best interest. Some of the alien characters do worse things to the kids. Some may wonder why would I include such horrific characters in a middle school novel. I leave  those people with this metaphor: A shiny jewel is best shown on a black background. 

With that introduction, here is an excerpt from the rewritten part of Book #4 chapter #2. This is not polished so there may be mistakes in it. The setup: Elof2 is a 20 year old Tibetan-American. Paul7 is a 9 year-old blue-eyed blond human-looking boy who can shoot lightning bolts from his fingers. He is the policeman for an advanced culture---these nine-year-old kids, the Pauls, are used as policemen because at 9 years-old, these kids are unquestioningly devoted to their culture as if it is their parent. Paul7 has been assigned to protect Elof2. But he cares about Elof2 more than just policeman, perhaps wishing he would be his parent...all Pauls are orphans. The dotted line signifies part of the text I have redacted to avoid giving away the story line.

Ed yells, “If you think I am just going to sit here while you  ...”

POW! Paul7 shoots a lightning bolt that hits Ed. Ed jolts back, then he collapses forward, face planting on the desk.

“I decided to save you from any annoying retort from the ‘Killing Bastard of Silicon Valley’,” mocks Paul7, sharing Elof2’s digust.

“Say the word, Dad,” thinks Paul7. “Say the word and I will reduce him to a pile of dust. Please, Dad. I can’t stand to feel you cry inside—say the word!”

“The darkness within Paul7 whispers, “You must not. They will know I am within you.”

“Thank you,” says Elof2. “I was already upset enough thinking about cleaning out the room I grew up in, without listening to his insults.”

“I sense the wound within you, Dad,” Paul7 silently worries. “He has torn it open—he is bleeding the love from your heart. I need your love—do not spill it to the darkness. Save it for me. Save it for me, Dad.” He knows Elof2 is close to cracking. He cannot consult anyone telepathically because Elof2 would hear. Then something happens which Paul7 could never foresee. It shocks him. A tear drips from his eye. He is terrified that he is experiencing emotion.

......

“Let’s get this over with quickly so you can end your suffering,” instructs Paul7. “Place your hands on each side of his head as if you were going to link with him. I will put my hands on each side of yours and guide you as you learn the memory erase technique.”

Like a brain surgeon’s robot under Paul7’s direction, Elof2 begins to erase his life’s history from Ed’s mind. They remain linked to Ed for several minutes. Elof2 finishes the link and has a tear in his eye. Paul7 remains linked to Elof2. His eyes begin to glow brightly. Elof2 has a look of sadness and surprise when he realizes what Paul7 is doing. Elof2 begins to scream in pain—his shock-ridden body quivers, as the scalpel of chaos repeatedly slashes the order of his mind. Paul7’s hands begin glowing, gripping ever tighter as if he is a murderer in a battle to triumph over life. Elof2 becomes silent. He stands there limp, as if he is a mindless zombie—his carefully ordered and cherished memories flow from him like bloody brain-mash. The murder has succeeded. All emotional connections between Elof2 and his so called father are gone.

Paul7 releases Elof2. He watches Elof2, terrified with what he has done. Elof2 has become a statue. His eyes sparkle occasionally with an eerie faded blue light. His mind struggles to fight its way back from the pit of oblivion to the light of consciousness. His body jolts. His mind has resumed control. He displays a slightly sad, somewhat stoic look, unaware of what Paul7 has done.

“I never thought I would be sad to leave him,” muses Elof2 sadly. “I guess there is no overcoming human emotion and the need for a parent and a home. And yet, I feel so strange—as if somehow his grip has been released from me—with every passing moment I feel he is eminently forgettable.” He pierces Paul7 with a suspicious gaze.

(C) Copyright 2011 by Rusty Biesele, All Rights Reserved.