Chapter 2 Pass 2 Feedback

GT end of 6th grader feedback. This feedback is for Chapter 2, Pass 2.

Chapter 2 feedback

Favorite character- They’re all great, but I think I still have to say Ty.

What I liked best about the chapter- The opening to Elof2’s life.

Next chapter- Excited to see how you take advantage of the opening to chapter 3…you have a lot of thinking room to your advantage!

Other feedback- I don’t have too many negative things to say, just that Ty and Tyco’s jokes and teasing are getting better and better, always have a chance to laugh at something. I can see many young teens enjoying this book.

Chapter 1 pass 3 feedback

GT end of 6th grader feedback.

I think the feedback I posted previously from him must be for pass 2. This for pass 3 on Chapter1. Chapter 1 is the only one at Pass 3 level and there will have to be a pass 4 of it. Might have to go to pass 4 on some of the first chapters because I was well into editing the book when his feedback about says came in.

Here is his feedback

Chapter 1, Pass 3 feedback

Favorite character- Ty

What I liked best about the chapter- The introduction, definitely. Nice use of the prologue!J

Next chapter- Can’t wait! The ending was really good, and how you came about it was good, too.

Other feedback- You’re still using “says” too much, not sure if you’re changing that in your next pass, but it gets a little bothersome. Good job on putting the humorous sentences, that keeps me reading the book. It’s good that you’re keeping the correct traits with the right character. It’s easy to make Tyco the wimpy one and Ty the buff one.

(Actually, he has Ty and Tyco reversed in his comment.)

Excerpt(Spoiler) Book pass 2 Ch. 32 : Bo Bo Goes Home

I decided just to post a piece of this somewhat tear jerker chapter.
I think it is a very emotional passage but for some early readers, it doesn't
really even raise a blip. Anyway, you can taste a sample and see what you
think.

Setting:

Stefan is a 7th grader and the main character of the story. Aleah is his three year old sister, who can only eat energy. The energy comes from Stefan's glowing hand. Tova2 is Stefans's older lover. Anashivalia is Stefan's mom.
Tim is an artificially intelligent computer. Stefan's human dad is dead.
Bo Bo is the name Aleah refers to Stefan by. Tova2 is talking initially.

Excerpt:

Evidently, Atreyeu helped your human dad record a message in a bottle for you.

“It won’t be easy to watch. But I think you need to. Perhaps Aleah has healed you enough so it won’t be as painful. Your mom and I have already watched it; we were waiting for the right time to show it to you. Since your human dad is also Aleah’s dad, perhaps now is a good time. Tim will start the message when you ask him to. Your mom and I will be down in the living room. You can come see us when you are ready.”

Tova2 and Anashivalia disappear. Stefan is left there, in the silence, with the star filled sky above, his hand glowing, and Aleah holding it tightly as if she wouldn’t let go.

Stephen whispers, “Aleah, this is our dada. This is the dada you have never seen; your dada who loved you as much as your Bo Bo does. Okay Tim, let’s play the video and get this over with.”

A thin screen appears mid-air facing Stefan; there on the screen is Stefan’s dad.

Aleah’s eyes are half open and she says, “He looks nice, like you Bo Bo.”

Stefan’s dad begins to speak, “Hello Stefan. I hope you will get this message. Atreyeu told me that when my death was close, this stone would begin to glow dimly. He told me that if I held it, a permanent message would be placed in my body that you would be able to see after I am dead.

“I just put you to sleep and your headache was extremely bad. I felt so helpless looking at you, knowing you were hurting, and not being able to do anything. Atreyeu told me that if I took you to a doctor, that you would die and so would the doctor. So I have kept you home, despite your suffering, and I hope you can forgive me for being so helpless.

“When you were first born, you were so frail. I worried that some flaw in me had been passed to you. I especially worried, as you grew, because you behaved so differently. I was afraid your niceness would not allow you to defend yourself, and that one day, some bad person would put an end to your life. But as you grew and I saw how much you helped those children who visited you, I began to realize that perhaps I didn’t have a flawed child, but a special child, one with special talents.

“When you got old enough to participate in team sports, I could see that your gentleness was not a flaw, but a temper, a temper of the edge of a very sharp sword. The sword was the sword of leadership. Most people with as sharp a sword as yours become ruthless despots. But the temper on your sword, your fanatical sharing, made your leadership one that promised to benefit those who were subject to you.

“Atreyeu told me that one day, you would have a family of leaders. It makes me happy to know that you will find a woman and know the happiness of raising children of your own. I’m sure you will find a special woman who has the same special gifts as yours; the combined gifts will concentrate in your children, making them very special to everyone. I wish I was going to be there to see that day.

“For now, I must be content to sit here, on the end of your bed, watching you sleep with that same smirky face that you have always had, since you were a baby. It is a look that says, ‘gentleness and wisdom lives in this body. Take care of this child. Help it to grow.’ With a son such as you have been, I could do nothing else.

“Take my love with you, always, and pass it on to your children. I may not get to see my grandchildren, with my own eyes, but perhaps your children will see me through the love I have tried to leave in you. Stay happy, my son, and know that even now, I am proud of you. Take care.”

The video ends. Aleah has some tears in her eyes and turns and buries her face in Stefan’s chest, still wrapped around Stefan’s glowing hand.

Stefan, with tears on his face, says, “I will love you forever too. Goodbye dad.”

Copyright 2010 by Rusty Biesele, All Rights Reserved.

Fallacy in Blogging

I found one fallacy in trying to set up a blog for early readers, especially the kids. It's that most kids, especially ones who read lots of books, don't blog. Or if they are at the lower end of the age range of the book, their parents don't let them near the internet very much. I have to say, being in Silicon Valley, that being very far from the internet is not a concept I can understand. But that's my fault for being in Silicon Valley. In seventh grade my daughter was pounding the web and had people in Yahoo pursuing her for web tricks. And there were wonderful community sites where you would earn points in the site's reward system by writing things. Of course, a hacker, a hateful person, sent that site to an early grave. The site owner didn't help matters, obviously never having heard of an offline backup. He had no backup and so the hacker sent all the writings and belongings of the kids and the community to oblivion. Now the internet is polluted by highly addictive online games that prevent learning (at least learning of things in the real world). So, in some ways, I don't blame parents for being scared of the internet.

Chapter 4 Pass 2 Comments

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Chapter 3 Pass 2 Comments

If you want to post comments on the chapter, just click the word comment below. Since you probably don't have an account, just choose anonymous. If you put your first name in the feedback, it will help me know who is talking.